Hi folks! long time yeah.. lol

ni emang bukan waktu yang tepat buat blogging. setelah berbulan-bulan gw cuman liatin page kosong tanpa ngerti gimana caranya menumpahkan semua pikiran gw yang super stuck ke kata-kata yang ga jumbled.

hahahha.
udah sejak lama gw memlih untuk menggunakan otak gw, logika yang beralasan untuk menjelaskan dan menjadi landasan berpikir untuk segala sesuatu. I reject failure and weakness. notice kalo emang ada beberapa orang yang bisa see through me, tapi overall, I'm a stone. got no feelings. got no heart.

semuanya ancur berantakan. that lack of feelings and heart, kalo gw stuck in a root of love. I don't like being in love. makes me weak, and sometimes I don't know what to do about it. I keep my heart, safe and sound. so no one could ever take it from me and break it.

this is called trust issues.
I believe no one. I don't see why should I believe a person, when I know, even me, I cannot be trusted.
no one can see the future. sure it's predictable, but it's not that accurate. no one will ever know, and I decided what's best for me.

this is very typical. every relationship I had, went wrong with only one condition, unable to trust. either jealousy, or me, living in my own world. kalopun akhirnya ended up, mostly my fault, because I never spoke for myself clearly, what I want, what I think, or how I feel. oh believe me I tried. I tried different types of explanations. Different words to start, different environment, different mood, different person. but still.. there's something about  "opening up" that makes me feel terrified. maybe I'm afraid of judgement. I don't like people judge me, that's why I don't judge people. if life is choices, this is my choice. maybe I choose something different from other people. maybe I choose something odd. maybe I was wrong all this time. but this is my choice, I feel comfortable with this. I can think clearly and see things get going well without any feelings concerned.

well.. I've been hurt so much, maybe the same amount as I've hurt other people. I keep thinking is this something wrong with myself, or just a bad luck. I tend to turned down people who care about me. even them saying I'm just like strangers, don't know anything about.
it's shocking. I thought I've give them something worth to trust, yet, keep asking more.
I can't help but think, how much could I gave them? am I not givin' enough?
my wall of self defense is built awfully high, and that's why I respond people's question with either silence, or another question.
I can't just open up, I need time and process. please bear with it.
but then again, I'm not living alone. I need to tolerate. so that I gave my words.

every once in a while, I think about my past. how could I be this way. how could I ended up in the world's darkest places. and the answer come through just the same. I'm not strong enough, but through this, I'll be stronger.