Hi folks! how are you?
it's been a while since I write, or pouring my thoughts into words, as I may say.

This is a great year, at some point. I've reached some of my goals, some of my dreams, and I finally graduated! yeeeyyy!!

But, it's not that great if I see through my emotional stability.
I'm dying, emotionally.
Things that I've been put through my face is merely a mask. when I'm alone, all I can do is still. I can do nothing.
this is very disturbing.

Sensing is always my biggest flaw, and right now, no, this past year and a half, all I can do is sensing. which is makes things worse.

I've come up with weird personality. even I can't recognize myself anymore. I don't know who I am, and I don't know what I'm become.

I'm currently undergoing some deep emotional stress, according to professional account. As long as I know, when I'm in deep sleep, my mind couldn't rest, my body is still and resting, but waking in state of mind like I'm undergo some physical exercise of an olympic candidate.

I'm tired.

what does it like, to feel blood spilled on your hands?
when the warmth of human body left its shell slowly..
what does it like, to know you can ripped out a heart..
when it's still beating, alive and awake

to have power so great, controls life of others
to have passion so fiery, craving for a rush

how does it feel when you look someone in the eyes, the moment his soul abandoned him..
when you stabbed, ripped, torn, broke the holy grail of human, the lively body
that second of red-warm-blood burst on to your skin.. shiny and ecstatic!
as the liquid of life runs between your fingers.. drip all over your body

you see the darkness rise from within
slowly but sure
cold yet soft
beautiful aura of emptiness..

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Your Guardian Angel
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven 

I was this close to liberty..
In front of my eyes it was taken away..


quote yang sangat menusuk buat gw. gw gamau jadi kaya orang itu. uda sedikit lagi kayanya, tp ga nyampe juga. DAMN! imagine how'd he really felt..

WEEELLLLLLL... kayanya gw sedang ada di titik terendah dalam hidup gw! yippie! hahahahaha
sangat ironis. padahal gw semestinya seneng yah. gw punya cowo yg bisa ngelakuin apa aja buat nyenengin gw, gw punya keluarga yg lengkap, cukup harmonis, gw punya temen yg cukup ngerti gw, dan gw punya sahabat yag selalu ada buat gw juga. looks like my life is perfect! but no.. it's not.. it's far from perfect.

sometimes i feel like I'm trapped. unable to do things I want to do, or to say things I want to say, or to feel things I wanna feel. all I'm allowed to do just thinking freely. padahal kalo dipikir-pikir juga sebenernya pikiran gw belom tentu bener sih. cuma apa ya.. kaenya tuh.. yang gw pikirin biasanya bener, kalopun ga bener, biasanya ada unsur benernya nyerempet dikit, cuman subyeknya yang salah, tapi esensinya biasanya bener. WOW! bakat meramal! hahahaha

this trapped thing goin' on.. and makes me think that I'm weak. kayanya semua pikiran gw kontradiktif. kemana-mana gak ada juntrungannya. gw selalu menginginkan kebebasan, tapi yang gw dapat pasti bersyarat. yang gw dapet pasti ujungnya ada jebakan. yang gw dapet cuman paksaan halus. HALELUYA!
pengen ngamuk sih, ga bisa apa gw jalanin hidup sendiri tanpa diatur-atur? kayanya orang kepo amat gitu, kenapa ga sibukkin diri sendiri buat ngatur kehidupan lu dulu, baru kepo ke kehidupan orang lain. mkir kaya hidup lu bener aje, uda banyak protes. damn! mind ur own business!

or the other way, orang yang gak kenal tapi sok kenal. ohmaigawd.. gw ga ngerti maksudnya. kalo emang lu tau sesuatu tentang gw, kayanya ga perlu juga deh jadi gosip berita berjalan kasitau ke orang-orang.. kenapa gak langsung ngmg ke gw aja? kenapa mesti jadi bahan pembicaraan orang lain, yang ga ada angin ga ada ujan tiba-tiba jadi topik. WOW! excellent!

God! I wish I'm not this complicated. I wish I was not this way. but then again. hidup itu pilihan, dinamis, bergerak. ada saatnya gw di bawah, kaya sekarang, dan gw yakin ga lama lagi gw akan di atas, be at my best, and conquer all obstacles in front of me. I'm young, there's plenty of time for me to do mistakes.

hari ini misalnya, gw terpaksa harus berpikir keras, sekali lagi gw melanggar prinsip gw. gw sampe sekarang masih mikir, *sebenernya kalo mikir terus ga ada abisnya juga sih* apa keputusan yg gw ambil itu bener.. apa semua yang gw pikirin tadi secara cepat nanti bakal terbayar, semua pengorbanan yang -gw tau- besar banget yang sekarang akan gw lakukan, apa gw yakin nanti bakal tiba waktunya gw bisa ketawa ngakak dengan lega, kalo keputusan yang gw ambil sekarang ini ga salah?

gw pikir gw ketemu sama orang yang punya prinsip sama kaya gw. gw pkir pola pikir yang mirip akan memudahkan gw buat mengutarakan apa yang sulit diutarakan, tapi ternyata setelah sekian lama keliatan bedanya. hahaha. dan aslinya juga ga cuman dikit sih. banyak juga. mikir lagi lah gw, bisa jalan gak ya.. apa aja yang mesti gw korbanin -lagi- ?? tar jangan-jangan ujung pangkalnya sama kaya yang udah-udah. sia-sia. oh please.. jangan sampe gw menyusuri jalan yang sama dari sisi yang beda aja.. padahal gw uda diajarin dengan sangat keras, jangan pernah berubah.. tapi ternyata gw nyerah juga.. KENAPA GW SANGAT LEMAH??? DAMMIT! I'm so angry to myself!!

gw pernah janji sama diri gw sendiri. dan sekali lagi gw gagal lho. gile.. 2x, berturut-turut, dan gw gagal. hahahaha *jokes on me* gw ga akan pernah janji lagi soal apapun kalo gw tau ternyata hasilnya kaya gini.
gw akan terus mencoba buat pake logika. gw akan terus mencoba buat adjusting penggunaan feelings yang secukupnya aja. I'm preparing for the worst, karena gw tau, gw cuman bergantung pada satu orang sekarang.. dan sekali aja. sekali gw sakit.. gw tau gw belom cukup kuat buat nerusin semuanya seperti sedia kala. sekali aja. sekali lagi gw sakit.. gw janji, I'll back off..

Hi folks! long time yeah.. lol

ni emang bukan waktu yang tepat buat blogging. setelah berbulan-bulan gw cuman liatin page kosong tanpa ngerti gimana caranya menumpahkan semua pikiran gw yang super stuck ke kata-kata yang ga jumbled.

hahahha.
udah sejak lama gw memlih untuk menggunakan otak gw, logika yang beralasan untuk menjelaskan dan menjadi landasan berpikir untuk segala sesuatu. I reject failure and weakness. notice kalo emang ada beberapa orang yang bisa see through me, tapi overall, I'm a stone. got no feelings. got no heart.

semuanya ancur berantakan. that lack of feelings and heart, kalo gw stuck in a root of love. I don't like being in love. makes me weak, and sometimes I don't know what to do about it. I keep my heart, safe and sound. so no one could ever take it from me and break it.

this is called trust issues.
I believe no one. I don't see why should I believe a person, when I know, even me, I cannot be trusted.
no one can see the future. sure it's predictable, but it's not that accurate. no one will ever know, and I decided what's best for me.

this is very typical. every relationship I had, went wrong with only one condition, unable to trust. either jealousy, or me, living in my own world. kalopun akhirnya ended up, mostly my fault, because I never spoke for myself clearly, what I want, what I think, or how I feel. oh believe me I tried. I tried different types of explanations. Different words to start, different environment, different mood, different person. but still.. there's something about  "opening up" that makes me feel terrified. maybe I'm afraid of judgement. I don't like people judge me, that's why I don't judge people. if life is choices, this is my choice. maybe I choose something different from other people. maybe I choose something odd. maybe I was wrong all this time. but this is my choice, I feel comfortable with this. I can think clearly and see things get going well without any feelings concerned.

well.. I've been hurt so much, maybe the same amount as I've hurt other people. I keep thinking is this something wrong with myself, or just a bad luck. I tend to turned down people who care about me. even them saying I'm just like strangers, don't know anything about.
it's shocking. I thought I've give them something worth to trust, yet, keep asking more.
I can't help but think, how much could I gave them? am I not givin' enough?
my wall of self defense is built awfully high, and that's why I respond people's question with either silence, or another question.
I can't just open up, I need time and process. please bear with it.
but then again, I'm not living alone. I need to tolerate. so that I gave my words.

every once in a while, I think about my past. how could I be this way. how could I ended up in the world's darkest places. and the answer come through just the same. I'm not strong enough, but through this, I'll be stronger.

Stars shining bright above you. 
Night breezes seem to whisper, 'I love you,' 
Birds singing in the sycamore tree. 
Dream a little dream of me. 

Say nighty-night and kiss me. 
Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me. 
While I'm alone and blue as can be, 
Dream a little dream of me. 

Stars fading, but I linger on, dear, 
Still craving your kiss. 
I'm longing to linger 'till dawn, dear, 
Just saying this: 

Sweet dreams 'till sunbeams find you, 
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you. 
But in your dreams, whatever they be. 
Dream a little dream of me. 






Ella F